29 lines to make you smile

If yesterdays post didn’t make you smile, I hope at least one of these lines will.  Enjoy. TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.      He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.     10.. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18.. Procrastinate Now!                                                                                     19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?  20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.       25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don’t know what is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life is too short and friends are too few.

How to look happy at work

Somedays it is so difficult to put on the customer service “happy face” at work.  You may have difficulties at home, you may be sitting next to someone who talks incessentaly, you may have many things on your mind.  This is a simple way to look HAPPY at work, and no one will EVER know you have any troubles.

You just need a few supplies.  They are even supplies found in almost all offices or work places.  See below:

Assembly is very easy – 

THEN — application and VOILA — So simple.  You’ll never frown again.

Children’s Version of the Bible

A book titled Little Wonders, by Mary Hollingsworth, has stories concerning children.
This one was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than baby-sit our church’s beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.

In case you’re a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn” It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”).

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Little Boo at the Zoo

Tomorrow starts Little Boo at the Zoo.  It is SO FUN.  Saturday and Sunday will be the Pumpkin Path.   It is the Toledo Zoo’s way to provide a safe and fun way for kids to celebrate Halloween. 

Little Boo is for the smallest visitors, the pre-school set.  Pumpkin Path is for the children who have started school.  It doesn’t mean one age can’t attend the other’s function, just that they are geared for slightly different ages. 

It is so much fun to see all the little ones dressed in their Halloween finest.  All the witches, princesses, lions, tigers and bears (oh my), cowboys, pumpkins, puppies, kitties, and all manner of cartoon characters I no longer recognize show up en masse.  I never seem to see ghosts or devils much anymore.

They come in strollers, wagons, are carried or walk. They come to visit the various stations set up around the zoo to gather candy and play in the different play areas. 

I am not scheduled to work tomorrow, but am “on call” if someone else doesn’t show up.  I am working the rest of the weekend.  I can’t wait to see all the visitors.  I hope the regular animal residents aren’t frightened by the new animal invasion.

Looking for work

I’ve been “unemployed” for the past month, at least from my full time position.  I have kept busy the past few weeks.  I have picked up a few more hours at the zoo, but going from 8 to 15 hours per week at minimum wage doesn’t make a tremendous difference.

I have done some things around the house.  I’ve kept the lawn mowed more frequently, I canned tomatoes, I’ve gone through some of the text books I want to keep, been a mattress for sleeping and cuddly cats, I’ve spent some time online, I’ve done a bit of reading, and I’ve slept. 

I’ve also tried to have things checked out around the house.  I need to have my furnace replaced and a new roof, but there are no termites.  My car has a new ignition coil and has had its fuel line flushed.  I’ve seen the doctor, gotten the boobs squished, and next week I go bottoms up for the other doctor.  I have a cracked tooth or filling and have an appointment next week to have that checked out.  Trying to get as much done before my insurance stops. COBRA is darn expensive. 

One other thing I’ve been doing is working on some online tutorials.  I had initial class training to be an independent inspector for FEMA home disasters.  Since I am otherwise unemployed I am eligible for call up when disaster strikes.  Sadly there seems to be a few disasters in the making. 

The horrific fires in California scare me when I see them on television. I can not imagine what it would be like to see the fire coming in person.  Also New Orleans is having new flooding this week.  I may be needed to go to one or other of these areas.

It’s sad to think I want disasters to happen so I can go to work. I do not want anything to happen to people, but, the pay is good, I’m available, we will see what happens.